What do Black Men Want from Black Women?
by R. Jeneen Jones

Just like most other black women, I have, during many times in my life, been extremely puzzled and confused as to what black men want from black women...

Do they want a good nurturer and mother, an intelligent and hard-working professional, or someone with all T & A? I just can't figure it out. Brothers say one thing but act the opposite way. Why can't they just be honest and upfront?

My cousin and husband are perfect examples of what I mean. My cousin is a hard-working black man who owns a successful home remodeling company. I remember talking to Wayne several years before he married his current wife. A self-professed male chauvinist, Wayne was attempting to give me some advice on male-female (specifically black male-black female) relationships. "No brother wants to marry a women's right's activist. That crap is for white women. Black men want a woman who wants to be taken care of and who will take care of him and his children. A woman who knows how to be a woman and knows how to make her man feel like a man. That's all we really care about." (Later on in our conversation, Wayne admitted that he did care about a bit more than just that - he wanted some T & A too.)

I listened to my cousin and did what I usually do when talking to him - just shake my head without saying a word. I knew he was blowing smoke but decided to let it go. I figured time would tell the real story. Sure enough, a few years ago, Wayne married the woman of his dreams (as he calls her). She is smart, ambitious, attractive and very personable. In addition, she has a high-powered job that requires her to travel about 30% of the time, leaving my cousin to care for their three children. The man who swore he would never do "women's work", has learned to cook dinner, wash clothes and comb hair when his wife is not home. So much for his male chauvinist routine.

My husband is another example. Though not nearly as extreme as my cousin, Jay used to run around pounding his chest before we got married. "I don't need a headstrong independent black woman. Money and education don't mean a thing. I want someone who is going to put her family before all else and who knows how to get want she wants without being a bi*@% all the time. If things don't work out between us, I'm going to go to the Caribbean and find me a black woman who knows how to treat her man."

After three years of marriage, Jay hasn't gone anywhere and by the looks of things, he is quite content where he is. Though he used to resort to that "Me Tarzan, You Jane" speech when we started getting on each others nerves, marriage has clamed him down a bit. He loves the fact that I have my MBA and is encouraging me to go on for my Ph.D. Jay has been extremely supportive of me professionally, is helping revise a business plan that I recently developed, and tells all of his friends and colleagues about this Web site. Though he still accuses me of going into bi*@% mode sometimes, he enjoys the feeling that I can take care of myself and our family if (God forbid) something should happen to him. He knows he doesn't have to worry about someone "getting the best of me" in a business transaction and looks forward to the sometimes heated discussions we have about controversial subjects. Jay knows I almost always have an opinion and am not afraid to state it. Just like my cousin, his male chauvinist attitude is nowhere to be found.

So, why can't black men just be honest by "coming clean" about what they want in a black woman? Why front all the time? It seems to me that things would be much easier if black men simply admitted that they are looking for "an intelligent, successful, attractive, driven, compassionate woman who can be a good wife, mother, lover and companion, and who will be able to use her talents and strengths to benefit the relationship." Why play games?

I don't know if this is simply a black male phenomenon, but brothers always complain about black women being too independent and pushy. Yet, at the same time, they do not want some wimp of a woman who doesn't know her head from a hole in the ground and who just sits around waiting to be told what to do. Black men, why don't you tell us upfront what you really want from a black woman? There are millions of black women who are waiting to hear your answer.

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